Hi! Recently, I broke my foot. As a result, I can’t walk or drive and am forced to parent via couch-shouting. I now require a two-foot clearance to pass through any space, whether on my knee walker or crutches. People want to know: how’d I do it?! I assume it’s because they are considering doing it themselves. I know I make it look pretty glamorous. The trainer at the Y even said I looked like I’d been on crutches before, because I was really zooming around. So let me share my secrets on how to achieve mono-pedal status.
- Be on Vacation: This might not seem totally necessary, but I really think you’ve got to let your guard down to break a bone. If you can schedule this for your last day, that’s ideal. That way you will totally avoid having to help pack or clean up, but you will maximize your fun before the big event. Your spouse is really going to get a kick out of it. He’s not going to complain, because it’s a broken bone. So he will get to work managing the kids, the chores, and bringing you water, all with a twinkle in his eye and a chuckle lodged so deep in his throat that you don’t actually ever hear it.
- Get Moving!: You’re on vacation. It’s the last day. But you are still walking around on two feet like a nobody. It is now time to make your move. This is a delicate moment. You don’t want your story to be too impressive or tragic – you are going to tell this story a lot and it’s best if you come off sounding like a weird liar. Yet you need the activity to be dangerous enough to break a bone. What I did was attempt to do a 7 minute circuit work out with both of my kids in the same room. While I was doing 30 seconds of high knees running in place, and cheering my daughter on at the same time, I turned it up a notch because it was pretty important that I nail this workout. Then, in midair, I turned my foot *just so* that when it landed, the outside rolled underneath my foot and I landed on top of my bent in half foot. Boy are you going to be happy that working out 6 days a week for 2.5 years hasn’t resulted in losing the baby weight now! Because that extra 15lbs is going to come in h-a-n-d-y.
- After the fall: You are broken, and I presume I don’t need to tell you that you should have hollered so loud that both of your kids instantly started crying and wanted your comfort. Shoo them away, because you are in excruciating pain. And now wait for your husband who is at the grocery store. … … Is he home yet? Nope. Just another minute or two. …
- Medical attention and the ride home: Go find an urgent care clinic and refuse a shot of painkillers. Because even if you have followed my steps exactly, you are a good woman. And good women doubt themselves and apologize for everything. So you’ll no doubt think there is nothing wrong with you and worry you are wasting everyone’s time. But, in the end, you’ll get your diagnosis. And upon learning that you can’t drive or walk for 4 to 6 weeks, you can cry a little. Go ahead. This is tough news. Anyways, I know you’ll apologize for crying which will smooth everything over anyhow.
- Coming home! After a long day and night and then an eight hour drive, home never felt so sweet. And you’re really going to appreciate your efforts at creating “flow” in your abode, because, sister, you are going to need some great flow to move your bull-in-china-shop butt around! If you rent a knee walker, that will relieve your armpits from a lot of the discomfort that the crutches inflict. Plus, you will have hilarious arguments with a sobbing three year old who would really like a “his turn [on your] cool new bike.”
Makes a great foot rest while you watch The Bachelorette. For the feminist analysis you are working on.
Well, you’ve really done it! You can’t walk, making your bed take 10 minutes and showers are now exhilaratingly dangerous. Plus you have a weird and uncomfortable story to tell five people a day while riding in the elevator at work. Enjoy the fruits of your labor, mostly in the form of increasingly imbalanced calf muscle tone. You’ve earned it!