How to Give Medicine to a Baby

How YOU doin’? 
Oh, wait. He’s not winking.  No.  That’s a medical issue.

So, your 8 month old has both pink eye and an ear infection.  A little medical background to start. “Pink eye,” also known as conjunctivitis, is caused by poop.  Poop gets in an eye.  And blammo.  Pink eye.  Congratulations! Your house really is as filthy as you thought it was!  I know you spend countless hours cleaning, but I think we both knew that your current standards of cleanliness have taken a real nose dive in the past few years.  Way to give and and let go.

As for the ear infection, babies have very tiny ears to go with their tiny selves, and the drainage tubes in there can get plugged up.  Especially if your baby has a lot of colds.  Breastfeeding and staying at home with baby should be enough to prevent your child from having constant colds.  Unless you have a disease-y three year old who, more or less, rubs her face and hands in your baby’s face and hands.  And if your house is repulsive enough that this poor child could contract pink eye from it, well, then, may God help you!  Because your babe is going to be riddled with colds and coughs.  Most moms would notice signs of an ear infection.  But, if you are particularly ill-attuned to your baby, perhaps because narcissism dictates your existence, or just plain old stupidity, you may not learn of an ear infection unless you are at the doctor for something else.  For example, if your baby’s eye swells shut and crusts over; i.e. the pink eye.

Now, you finally managed to make one right move and sought medical care.  Not that you didn’t try to fight it because going to the doctor is a pain! Haha, you are one funny, lazy woman. But, seriously, once you took your cyclops baby in to be seen, and he is diagnosed with pink eye and an ear infection, you’ll then be armed with medication to alleviate these conditions.  How, oh how, though, will you get this stuff into your baby?

As for the antibiotic suspension, this needs to be administered orally.  Twice a day for ten days.  Now, your baby will not swallow this willingly.  He’s not even going to let you get that liquid syringe near him with out flailing and screaming and whipping his head about.  So, you’ll get to pin him down.  You’ve got to get that screaming mouth turned upwards, because you are going to need gravity on your side.  Fill the syringe, tip the mouth open, and then wrestle wildly with this freakishly strong human child.  A little squirt got in! Oh, watch it! He squirreled it away in his cheek and spit it out at you.  Rookie mistake.  Next time, after that squirt blow hard in his face.  This causes his swallow reflex to kick in.  And scares the bejeezes out of him!  While you’re blowing into his stunned face, administering tiny amounts whenever you can get access to his clamped jaws, squeeze his cheeks to coax a bit more in.  Now, don’t fool yourself, it’s not all getting in.  A good bit will be spewed out of his mouth and will pool in his ear.  His infected ear.  But, just consider this to be a bonus on-site application.  Repeat 19 more times.

Now, don’t rest yet! (Actually, just stop trying to rest.  It’s not going to happen and everyone is tired of hearing about how you’re tired.)  You’ve got eye drops to get in there.  Did you know that 45% of the muscles in one’s face reside in the eye lids, making them virtually impenetrable if one is determined not to open them?  This is 100% not true, but it’s going to feel true! Once that baby opts for fight, since the only thing you can even somewhat prevent is flight, you will find that you are using more strength than you are comfortable with the pry those suckers open.  Try this right before you nurse baby.  He’s happy and comfortable, awaiting a warm and quiet cuddle.  And that’s when you AMBUSH! Shove it in there.  2 to 3 drops, the bottle says.  You will have no way of knowing how many drops are getting in. Just squeeze! Squeeze! The drops must go in three times a day for ten days, so, try to find a way to enjoy this one.

Well, you’re now on your way to having a baby with two working eyes and an ear that does not plague him with pain that you’d never have noticed anyways.  Kudos for not dropping every ball, and may the winds of fate protect your children.  Because you’ll be a little too busy on Facebook to ensure this yourself.